I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
