Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
