halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
sex in a hospital.. check
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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