This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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