and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize