Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
