Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
