I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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