I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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