He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
