I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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