Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
