I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
