...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Can I color on your dick again?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
