I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
