YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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