either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He kissed a someone with a penis
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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