My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
