I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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