I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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