my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
