i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
