Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
