I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I supernannyed him into submission
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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