Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
