i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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