I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
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It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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