i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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