He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
