i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
