shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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