Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
