Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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