JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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