The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
