Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
