oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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