Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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