If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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