I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
we should paint friendship bongs
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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