never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
