Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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