im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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