god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
