she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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