Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
