Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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