Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
