the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
