this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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