Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
