went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
