Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
