Can i not drive my cunt home
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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