so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no you cant smoke seaweed
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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