We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
