i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
