FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
