Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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